Are our actions justified by the outcome?
Now that I knew that Larry was dating, a panicked feeling was building in my gut. Was I really that surprised that he was not still waiting for me to make a public declaration about my marriage. He had been there, at my side, for months. And I had been dithering the entire time. Wanting my cake…and eating it too, very slowly, selfishly…bite after bite.
I did not want to make the call-to legally change my status from married to single. I was avoiding it. It was inevitable, but I was hiding from the backlash, and the disappointment-from the several hundred wedding guests, and from both our families.
Larry was right to move on, I do not think that he made the decision lightly, I knew that he cared about me. Now I had to step up to the plate, or wish him well in his new relationship.
Was it really LOVE or was it the competition?
That made me hasty in my thought process? I was worried that if I did not act, and act quickly, that I would lose my chance with Larry. At that point all of my energy went into planning the downfall of their relationship…or perhaps the beginning of ours. I am not sure which one it was.
But, I can honestly say, there was no thought to the hubby, to our families, friends, and I definitely did not spend anytime thinking about my morals or ethics. Or the consequences. I could not let him get away. I never thought past the fight. I never considered what I would do with Larry if I “won” him.
I girded up for battle…
I had been around Larry long enough to know what he liked, and I threw myself into preparation. Shining, buffing, polishing…I detailed myself…just like a car. I stopped crying, and began smiling. I stopped complaining, and started laughing. I did not plan a frontal attack, it was indirect, an attack from all sides, one that he could not resist-or see coming.
I made sure that he saw me having fun, flirting with others, dancing, singing, laughing…living. If he loved me when I was broken, there was no way that he could not love the free spirit that I was now. Although I was competing for him, I set it up so that he would actually believe that he needed to step up his game and fight for me.
I was THAT girl…
Devious. Planning. Manipulating. Selfish.
I could tell that Barb was uncomfortable with me. I did not let that stop me. And my plan was working. Larry began to spend more time on my side of the bar, we became a team again. When we were together I did not think about the hubby, or Barb.
My attention was focused on Larry. I asked about his family, his past, his dreams. The more he told me, the more I fell for him. Once again, we began to spend most of our time together.
If he spent time with Barb, it was minute. I did not ask him about her, I did not pressure him, I did not even acknowledge her existence.
I reassured him that I was going to end my marriage, and I waited.
Bound by our secrets…
Lying in the dark, late at night, Larry and I told each other everything. The good, the bad, the ugly. We told each other things that no one else was privy to, things that we never thought that we would voice. In some ways it was a relief to speak the words, to get it all out.
In the dark we created a bond. Entrusting someone with your biggest secrets…a relief and a burden. But on a higher plane, acceptance.
I loved him no matter what he told me, and he loved me. I believe that was the biggest gift that we gave each other. Acceptance was something that was lacking in our lives thus far.
So, no matter how irresistible I had planned to make myself, all the buffing, shining, and polishing was a distant second to the acceptance.
In the end that is what united us and kept us together, acceptance.
At the heart of personality is the need to feel a sense of being lovable without having to qualify for that acceptance.
Paul Tournier
The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.
Brian Tracy